Today is my son's birthday. Today he is 2 years old. Two years ago, my little Pasha was born. Born in Russia. Born to a stranger. A stranger to me. A stranger to him. Where is she now? Is she thinking about him today? I think about that a lot.
Pasha, on the day you were born, I did not even realize that I was going to adopt. And yet, I can promise you right now that I love you just as much as I love my first two kids. You are 100% my son. You are burned into my heart just as Hallie and Jake are. I've held you less than 2 hours of your 2 year life. I am so sorry that I haven't been able to do more.
Right now, it's about 11 in the morning in Novokuznetsk. I hope that you get cake today. I really hope that we get pictures of this special day.
My prayer is that today is a good day for you. That today you are a happy little 2 year old. I pray that you have pure joy like a 2 year old toddler should have. I hope that you feel like you belong to your environment right now. I wanted so badly to hold you today. You don't understand this yet, but the strength of a father's love is like no other. When needed, dad's can bend steel, outrun cars, or take on a pack of wild animals. Fathers will do anything for their children in need.
And yet today, I am completely powerless to bring you home. We're trying. We really are.
Please know that I love you and we will soon be a family.
Happy Birthday little Pasha. Daddy loves you.
8 comments:
I understand those feelings. They make me cry and leave me with a knot in my throat. This adoption thing is so hard and at times very bittersweet. What a gift to have a someone to love through prayer and thought - receiving nothing in return but the promise of 'maybe' and 'someday'. Reminds me of the verse, "while we were yet sinners (not officially in the family) Christ died for us" (went through the pains of adoption labor so we could be grafted into His family and have a future so much richer than we ever could have had before). Sometimes I feel like I'm dying a little inside as the days tick by and I know our son is getting older and older and in a place where he is one more body to wash and feed rather than a beloved son recieving care from the hands of ones devoted to him. Sometimes I want to scream at the sky, "what a waste!" Our son turns 15 months on Sunday and we met him at 9 months. No court date in sight and the lump in my throat grows every day.
This is so sweet it makes me teary-eyed. You will look back on this post when you have your Pasha in your arms and treasure your feelings for him this day. The waiting truly is the hardest part of adoption. Everything afterward you can handle, but it's so difficult being apart from your child when you want to hold him so badly. Like Alicia, I felt like I was dying a little inside each day I waited to go back to bring Owen home. It's a constant pain, an aching to hold that little boy again and never let go. I pray for your precious son as he waits for you and you as you wait for him, as you both wait for God to bring you together for the rest of your lives. It WILL happen, and it will be at just the right time.
I've been following your story intensely.
You've shot goosebumps right through me.
Then I got to thinking about how you feel.
It reminded me of how our Father in Heaven feels about us.
Hang in there and know that I hope you get your son very soon!
Extra double prayers are going out just for you guys.
Hang in there...
Tearful. Beautiful. Praying for you.
Carla
i can't say anything more or better than what everyone else has said. i just wanted you to know that i read your post and am praying for you and your son. thanks for sharing your heart.
We've thought about you and prayed for you often this week as we are getting ready for Austin's birthday tomorrow. I'm sorry you cannot have your little guy with you today! We can only imagine the emotions that must go with the day. Hope you had a great celebration in his honor with your family.
What a wonderful day - we enjoyed honoring Zac's birth and life with your family last night at a special and perfect small family celebration. This little guy is so loved - as he will soon know when you bring him home. Happy Birthday Zachary Pavel. We love you too. Nannie and Poppie
Happy Birthday Pasha!
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